


Elucidate

by missema



Series: Allyse Shepard, Space Cadet [8]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anger, Angst, F/M, Love, Regret, Reunions, email
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-29
Updated: 2012-02-29
Packaged: 2017-10-31 22:12:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/missema/pseuds/missema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Allyse Shepard and Kaidan Alenko speak on Horizon, Kaidan reflects on the encounter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Elucidate

Blood was pounding in Kaidan's ears as he turned away and quickly tried to put as much space as possible between him and Allyse.  She died, he knew she died, she'd been spaced.  But there she was, just feet behind him, as beautiful as he'd dreamed of her.  There had been rumors, reports on the extranet, even sightings on Omega, but he hadn't believed them. Anderson had dismissed his concerns with a stern look and a wave of a hand, but Kaidan knew that he had known about Allyse, or at least, had heard the rumors too.  Maybe she'd gone to see her old mentor on the Citadel, everyone there knowing before he did that she was back, and the thought made him grimace, but there was no point in thinking along those lines.  How could she just come back _now_?

It was true that no one had been able to locate her body after the destruction of the old Normandy, but how had that even worked?  Did Cerberus take her, find her floating in space?  Was she already dead, or just nearly gone before someone got her and stuck her in a lab?  Kaidan wasn't religious, not really, but he didn't think that if someone died you could just remake the person, soul, spirit, personality and everything intact.  This technology, whatever it was, it had to be incredible, dangerous and expensive, and in the hands of Cerberus.  Though he couldn't fathom it, but he couldn't hate it; it had made Allyse whole again, and when he'd embraced her, he felt her heart beating with life beneath her armor as their bodies touched.

Kaidan could hardly believe she was on Horizon, of all places, but there she was, as if she'd been on a deep cover mission for two years instead of dead. He grunted slightly as he thought of the way she looked.  Deep cover mission at a spa maybe, and Kaidan chuckled darkly to himself.  Beautiful, as always, but different than he remembered her.  Reddish brown hair was a little longer, and her old scars were gone, leaving her skin clear and blemish-free.  Like the airbrushed Alliance recruitment pictures of her come to life.

When he'd hugged her, she'd felt _right_ in his arms.  She felt like his Allyse, like she'd never been gone.  Even her hair smelled the same, and he'd had to stop himself from running a hand through it.  For those first few seconds there had been relief, blissful relief, like having a wish granted by a genie.  If he could have taken that little bit of time and frozen it, separated it out from what came next, it would have been the perfect memory.

She was still there, just behind him in the clearing where she'd fought the Collectors.  He heard her signaling to Joker, who must be with Cerberus too now.  Had there been some kind of mass invitation issued that he'd missed?

"I've had enough of this colony."  Allyse's low, grumbling voice was upset as she radioed for a pickup, and Kaidan walked further away after hearing it.  There was no way this reunion could have gone well, not with all the time, and Cerberus.  Was she crazy?  They heard about them injecting Thresher Maw acid into people, live experiments with unwilling people.  But they'd saved her, brought her back to life - he didn't know what to think.

It took days for Kaidan to calm down, and the state of the colony didn't help.  People were missing, gaps and fissures were Horizon didn't quite match up anymore, and though some were inclined to be kinder to him, it made others resent his presence there all the more.  It was time to get off this rock, make his report in person.

Onboard his transport ship, he felt more comfortable, more like himself as he let out a long, deep breath he hadn't realized he was holding.  It had felt that way since he'd seen Allyse, like he'd been holding his breath, waiting to wake up from this dream and find out she was still dead.  This was no dream, but it quite wasn't a nightmare either, but rather like a cautionary fable, a fairy tale with deliberate mistakes as warnings to children.

Kaidan was still a little angry, but not at Allyse, more that this happened, this impossible thing, a miracle, but that it came so late, so long delayed.  Walking towards his quarters, he could hear the creaking of the bulkheads, the noise somehow reassuring, lulling him into a calm he hadn't been able to find since the Collector attack.  He did better on a ship than planetside, the dark swath of space dotted with stars a comforting sight to him.

He didn't really know what to say to Shepard, but something needed to be said.  He wasn't quite sure he could work out his feelings articulately, but he'd loved Allyse and she deserved better than him shouting at her on Horizon.  Crimson flooded his cheeks as he thought about the mixed up mass of emotions that surged through him when he saw her, and he regretted that the anger, of all things, had won.  In retrospect he just wished for more time, time to explain, to let his feelings run their course.  He should have taken her back to his quarters and never let her leave, made her talk to him and say everything, a thought that didn't occur to him until she was well off the planet, probably cursing his name.

The report he gave the Alliance brass and the Council didn't implicate her at all, and after he'd sent it off, Anderson confirmed she'd been in to see him and the Council.  She was a Spectre again, so at least there was that, she wasn't _all_ Cerberus.

Kaidan shook his head wearily.  Allyse wasn't _any_ Cerberus and he knew it.  Looking around the quiet, dark room on the ship, Kaidan sat down on his bed just as he felt the  momentum dampeners kick in.  Away from Horizon, it was easier to think.  He needed to send her a letter, something just to explain, to let her know how he felt.  Even if came out all confused babble, he'd be honest, she deserved that.  She'd been honest with him on Horizon.

_Shepard,_ _  
_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon._

After he began the letter, he laid back against his bed, closing his eyes as he thought.  This was going to be harder than just an apology, he had to try to explain, to get her to understand, just as she'd tried to do back on Horizon.  One day, he knew words weren't going to be enough, but it was all they had right now, and they'd have to do.


End file.
